Through this program, I've realized that I have a list of lies about God and about myself about a mile long, that all come down to the idea that I struggle to believe that God actually loves me. Something I've known for all of my life, yet the transition between my understanding and my believing often falters. I forget that I am God's creation. I forget that even though I struggle with sin, I am clean in His eyes because of Jesus. I need the reminders of the truth every day. This truth hit me between the eyes because my immediate reaction was "That's not true" followed by "Why don't I believe this?"
I'm reading Sammy Rhodes' This is Awkward right now. It's written like a conversation interrupted by blog posts--like having a IRL friend who's talking with you over coffee, but you are also involved in his social media world. Where I normally struggle with reading non-fiction books about Christianity, I'm finding myself devouring this one as if it's fiction. There have been many lines and statements that have been incredibly encouraging. Here's one from a passage where Rhodes describes his participation in a 12 step program: "...you won't be cured, but you will be clean. That's actually a decent definition of what theologians call sanctification. There's no such thing as being cured of sin in Christian life, but repentance and real, progressive change is possible...Change happens in a community of people who are being brutally honest about what's going on inside their hearts and heads."
In his chapter on friendship, Rhodes describes the scene from Babe below. He writes, "What kind of God sings over sinners and delights in them? He knows us at our worst yet loves us at his best." Can you imagine God dancing and singing over you like this? I have a hard time believing that could be true, but it is!
The community Rhodes writes about is what I have with my 12-step group. We are living life together (some in the US, some in BG), sharing our burdens, rejoicing with God's grace and grieving with our own fallenness. It's scary to share with others, but I've found that they've had insights into God's character that I miss due to my broken view of God and vice versa. While I've seen my sin more clearly, I've also seen that God really is good and He really does love me. He likes me and wants me to come to Him, even if I'm not all neat and tidy and well arranged. He loves me, even in my fallenness and brokenness. Because even though I'm broken, I'm also chosen.*
Serenity: A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery
This is Awkward by Sammy Rhodes page 58; 119
*Ann Voskamp "when you feel too broken to be chosen"